Tuesday, 10 June 2014

WELCOME TO LAGOS


Hello Lovies. Thank you guys for checking up on me. God bless you. My God will never forget all of you and he will meet you at the point of your needs.AMEN. I feel way better than I felt yesterday *mmwaahhh*.
Anyways dear readers, straight to the matter…..Now that the NYSC Batch 'B' people (corpers *rolls eyes*) have passed out, I know some people that served here in Lagos are contemplating settling down and some people wey wan do business too don relocate come Lagos. News flash, it will not be easy. It has never been and it will not be.. (Lagos is not easy even for a pastor)… But guess what? You've got Moby (*huge smile*) at your service to help you (small ni o...before you ask me to help you with wife or husband…LOL).. You are the one that will now use your head after you are done reading this post. So here are 5 tips to help you cope in Lagos (trust me there’s a lot more)….but I'll let my beautiful readers help you small. You must thank them later with plenty gift o like one cow for each person *wink*.

RULE 1: Never settle for the first price. The price on the tag is always a lie (except sey na Shoprite you dey). **Don't go and price Shoprite items o, what you see is what you get there). But when you go to the market and they tell you an initial price, slash that amount in half and then remove 500naira, then start pricing upward by the hundred…  Like if they call meat three thousand naira (N3000), just divide by 2 that is 1500 then remove 500 naira...so you will say **'so ma gba 1000naira' (can it go for 1000naira). There's a 70percent assurance you will buy the meat for 1200naira…(**na the scope be dat)..I’ve seen a wrist watch initially priced at 12,000 naira, sold for 3,000 naira in this Lagos…(**na who gok carry last)

RULE 2: When driving, always keep in mind you're the only sane person on the road or on your lane, except every other car is coming from the opposite direction then you are the only insane person on that road. The way people drive in Lagos ehn?...you will have a heart attack. Even when you are seated on the passenger’s seat, you would find yourself stepping on an invisible break pedal every now and then…(I’m sure I’m not the only sister that uses the invisible brake….abi?)

RULE 3: Know how to abuse. If you don't, then learn. If you're the proper English speaking type, I'm sorry to break your heart, you are on your own. Insults like 'You are mad', 'you are foolish', 'your head is not correct', nincompoop', 'illiterate', 'you lack manners'….are not insults that break the ice…In fact you might tell someone any of these afore mentioned insults and they smile and nod back at you, like you were complimenting them… I mean guys greet each other nowadays with ‘you are mad’…so that won’t pass an angry message. I've noticed the Yoruba’s have the highest and most effective grade of insult. (Their insult they carry insult join). Call a Yoruba speaking friend to teach you better insults… The kinds that can make a deaf man shed tears for the person that is been insulted... I don't have examples o. No be me go teach you before my pastor will go and read my blog and say I'm teaching all of you bad thing (but you can post examples sha..just to help those that might be in need of them..LOL)…But I’m sure you know what I’m saying…If not, drive anyhow one day and take note of what people say to you and how they curse you LOL.

RULE 4: Always be ready for traffic. There is always traffic in Lagos.. This is what traffic looks like in Lagos.

If you drive on some roads and you don’t see traffic, then something must be wrong….maybe a robbery is in progress. You can hardly predict traffic jam in Lagos and so you should always have your first aid box ready for use. Your 1st aid box should always contain a handkerchief or face towel (to clean sweat), 100naira in case you don't have change and you need to buy pure water, Lacasera and at least 2 gala. I don't know what my life in Lagos traffic would be without Lacasera and gala. There's nothing that tastes better in traffic…Been there, done that.

RULE 5: Have a torch light phone. It’s not expensive at all. Nokia torch light phone cost about 3 thousand 500 naira (even cheaper sef). Please buy it, you need it because power supply in Lagos is so unpredictable. With the torch light phone, you charge only once a week and the battery would last for 2 weeks. So when your blackberry or iPhone dies in traffic, you can still make calls with your torchlight phone. Even the people working with /at PHCN (now Ekedc) can't predict when they will have light, talk less of when you would. Go and buy torch light phone. I have spoken o.
I know there are still so many rules that I haven’t mentioned. So the floor is opened. Guys please let's help the new Lagos resident Otondos. What do you think they need to survive in Lagos? Let's get this party started….Welcome to Lagos.

23 comments :

  1. Eko Ile. Beware of pick pockets in crowded places like balogun market too oh *pulls Ears* am half asleep, when am wide awake I shall comment well

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    1. I hate lacasera! Beside the acid content na die and gala tastes like chalk in my mouth too.
      Moby na only drivers dey insult? Market women nko? Don't gan be pricing what you don't want to buy oh.
      Never argue with a conductor, avoid empty buses or buses not painted with Lagos state colour. Ehen
      Beware of free ride and boys avoid picking babes on the road. Abo Oro la man sofun omoluabi.. Oya complete am
      Lastly babes always avoid heels if you not in a taxi or a private car. Wear flats incase the gbege break out, you for fit tear race.

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    2. I am so anti-heels ehn. You will never catch me on them only if I need to which hardly ever happens. Amaka you are so funny. Thanks

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  2. freaking hilarious but so true.
    Nice blog Mobi, ive been a visitor for some weeks now, even tried d gele tying exercise at home.
    keep it up! love you. ..

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    1. Thank you Pipi lee. Would love to see a picture of the gele o. Thank you.

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  3. In lagos,the law enforcers (police,lastma,lawma,frsc) are not your friends. They all are looking for your downfall so when you see them,take the other way. They will arrest you for nothing and they will manufacture the dumbest fault against you.like walking on the road is a crime. You have to be street sharp to survive in lagos. Thumbs up moby

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  4. Beware of lagos girls...oooo...if u think d devil is here 2 kill and destroy...den u havnt encountered lagos gilrs.....pls beware ooo.....

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  5. If you are walking along the streets of Lagos and you see people suddenly running in different directions, be wise enough to join them. Do not ask questions! Just run for safety before finding out what is happening.It is better to be safe than be a victim. If you are one of those doubting Thomases, you could well end up in the police cell or even in prison for 'not running' when others did. I have seen it happen, so I am warning you!

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    1. This reminds me of my LASU days. Back in LASU,if you see people run and you don't pick race yourself then you are on your own. Even till now,when people are running,I run before I compose and ask question. Nice one Anon

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  6. lol @ a watch being priced from 12k - 3k lol, na wa. but sometimes, we should try not to over slash, to encourage people selling, cos at the end of the day, person need chop. #life

    Fashion Rehab
    xoxo

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    1. Its not over-slashing o fashion rehab. These people over inflate the price. Imagine you want to buy a bag of rice that's suppose to be 3k including profit,they call it 8k so by the time you price it down to 5k,in your mind you are feeling like a professional pricer but they've made an extra profit of 2k. Its just being market-smart.

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  7. The first rule of survival I learnt in Lagos was never to argue with a typical market woman.
    Lagos market women have caustic tongues like soda and they do not hide it at all. When they know you do not understand Yoruba language, they will insult you, your family, and even generations unborn. While doing this, they will still smile at you o and abuse you at the same time making you think they are actually joking with you.Do not be deceived, those women are coached and tutored in the art of insults. Learn small of d language 4 ur own good

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    1. LOL. I've never been a victim but I've seen someone that fell into their trap. An ibo boy feeling like he knows how to price.mehn they finished the boy at a standing. The boy was smiling not knowing they were cursing him.even me had to laff. Funny market women

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  8. I believe its only people of their class (if not physical in the mind or brain) that will insult the market women back. Those women are poverty strickened and frustrated. Learn to ignore them and live longer. As long as I am concerned it woudnt affect me. I've visited lag but not stayed their #abujarocks *winks

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    1. Maybe frustrated but not poverty strickened. Those women have money o.maybe not big money but enough to take care of themselves.you need to see them when they are doing those association party.but I know they are really frustrated.

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  9. This got me laughing hard. I'm actually a new lagos resident and these tips are hilarious. Lagos is not that bad na. Come to warri then you will know Lagos is a learner but cool tips.I'll put them in them.nice one

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  10. Make sure u scrutinize any bus u wanna enter cos of kidnappers, dnt walk alone in dark corners, mk sure u disturb conductors to collect ur change cos dey purposely want u to forget ( no go dull ursef especially if Na 1k u gv am n Na d only money wey dey ur hand b dat), if u enter bus mk sure U use panasharp cos dem go carry u pass ur bus top......d list is endless Jo....May God help us all......Eko oni baje ooo!!!

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  11. lol nice post
    www.girlylifebybloom.blogspot.com

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Your comments are like jollof rice to my stomach... the more you leave a comment, the happier I get. Thanks for stopping by...I love you like kilode *mwwaahhh*