Wednesday, 23 July 2014

TIPS TO HELP YOU GET LAID.... 18+



**clears throat**....hello Mobylizers...Now I know many eyebrows have been raised, and many senses opened at the sight of today’s topic...**big smile**. If you are not 18, close this page and go help your mummy in the kitchen or wherever she is.... just exit now... Anyway, I watched a funny clip and there was this guy who never got to score with any woman because of some silly mistakes he was making...I mean, he never got pass 2nd base, he just always flunked! It was funny and terrible at the same time.
Now, boo and I were gisting (emphasis on GISTING oo!!..*rolls eyes*) and even he was able to identify some mistakes guys make while attempting to move to 3rd base and beyond (Some he has probably made sef *lips sealed*.LOL)...so after a careful examination, reflection and investigation, I have come up with 5 tips to ensure you guys hit a home run after a make out..Now trust me, it would add spice to your marriage and help you men gain some form of confidence. **Women una own sef dey cook oo...would be our turn soon but meanwhile lemme know if I’m on point with these tips**

 Before I start, I notice blogging is seen as a ’feminine’ activity. Not sure why. So I decided to do something for the guys so they have a good reason to check blogs LOL. Also, for you girls that have been trying to tell your Men what they were doing wrong and still can’t find a way to tell, just leave this post open on your phone or device and let him ‘accidentally’ see it....(*grin*). Now ..to the matter:

TIP 1: SHUT UP!
That sounded really harsh.... but really you need to shut up. Many men suddenly become commentators and/or analyst when the romance switch is on. I saw a movie where this guy was commenting and analysing everything he and the girl was doing and even me that was watching didn’t know when I shouted “shut da F*** up”. It’s ok to whisper one or two things in our ears...yeah we like that. You can occasionally ask us questions like if we like what you’re doing, what we want you to do next, what you want us to do next; just few words. But when you start barking and growling you make it look like we are entertaining unseen spectators. Another dumb thing guys say/ask (and some girls too) is “what are we doing”....Like seriously??....does it look like we skating??....if you did not want to go all the way then why start at all? I mean the point you ask that question is the point it ends...*rolls eyes*. Finally, one benefit of shutting up is.....You would not call the wrong girls name. **straight face**

 TIP 2: CLOTHING GOES OFF FROM THE TOP

Seriously, how desperate would you be to want to start the ‘undressing’ from below?? I’ve never experienced this but I’m sure it would be too awkward to be with a guy and with my top on and my bottoms off...like that reduces a woman to a H*!...Except you and your man want to have a quick one in a place outside your romance comfort zone (which of cause won’t start with a proper make-out) then undress her slowly from the top and outside clothing....the inside clothing (underwear aka pant and bra..LOL) don’t really need a particular removal order but you can start from the top too. Some men just start the make-out and then straight to fighting with the babes belt...kilode? na assignment?

 TIP 3: NOTHING CAN SMELL BAD

Who is that foolish man that would decide, during an intimate moment, to let his nose perceive a foul odour then let his mouth ask the world's stupidest question “what’s that smell” or “can you smell that”...and still expect the rod to part the great sea??? May thunder strike the rod!...Guys, even if your intimate moment catches you beside a 30-day old corpse of a pig, you cannot smell anything bad...talk less of asking or saying. Imagine men o..chaii *women don suffer*! No matter how ecstatic the babe is at that point, that question would turn a green spring to an arid dry land faster than clinical spirit dries off from the skin. And the ‘yeye’ men would still want to put something somewhere, after they have practically de-moisturized the venue..Evil! Nothing must smell oo *pulls ears*...We women know what we have and what it entails, the last thing we want is to be reminded either directly or indirectly or mistakenly.

 TIP 4: TONGUE COMES IN LAST
this is my face when the tongue approaches

This is when you are still kissing ni oo...(bad minds LOl)...Now this might not apply to every lady as some people like the full tongue kissing from the get go. But from my little research and from my personal opinion, a few of us like things one step at a time. Tonguing immediately takes away the suspense, thrill and flair from the whole activity. I believe kissing should start without the tongue at first, then when ‘fire don dey burn’, the tongue can come in as a soother...gradually and not like you’re trying to find out if the babe has a throat or not.

 TIP 5: OBEY INSTRUCTIONS

This is very crucial, very important and very necessary. Intimacy is akin to a major war front. Failure to obey instructions can lead to loosing that war. The feminine body is very complex and tender so there are places that have specific times for touching, feeling, squeezing, tapping, kissing, caressing and so on. Some guys just jump in like they know what they are doing and just get it all wrong..Ladies, imagine somewhere that needs that soft touch being tapped when its ‘soft touch time’ ha! ...danger o!...Every woman has different needs per time and we would always tell you what to do, when to do it and how to and how not to do it because the woman is the leader and the one that gives instructions  (except it’s a commercial thing or business transaction, then the man can give orders). The woman controls factors like speed, power, angle, reach, LOL. So please men, you do not and cannot know what to do perfectly except we tell you (or except you’ve been at it enough times with your wife then you can know what she wants, where and how...but still, you would need her guidance because the moods change).

So people, na here I park!....I understand that not everything I have written would apply to every woman. We all are different and as such have different beliefs, likes and dislikes. What I have written is 90% my opinion and the rest the opinions of a few people I asked who believe most women should have the same opinion. It’s not easy to be a woman, so men treat us like you’d treat your priced Ferrari or your almighty play station 4 or your dearly beloved guitar...We love you, we want you, we need you.......but you need us more.

Mobylizers its time for you to talk oo...post your opinions, correct me where you think I’m wrong and let’s have fun....Mwwwaaahhhhh!!!!

27 comments :

  1. Haaaaa Moby *passing by* *whistling* Diarisgod oooooo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Moby I'm so stuck to your blog o.help me. And the picture of that tongue-ing is disgusting..and the look thats on your face when the tongue approaches is funny and true cos that's the same thing I do. Ewhhhhh

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is interesting. I'll just wait for the comments...lips sealed...

    ReplyDelete
  4. **throws hands in the air and then grabs my boobs like a village woman**...Mobyyyyyyyy!!!.... eh ai za!....why that picture lah!!!!....anyhooo....tip #1 is correct....I don't want nobody saying crap in my ears....keep your damn emotions bottled up inside..I don't care if you explode....hehe....buh Tip #3????....I DISAGREE!!!!....Moby things can smell bad!....hell! lots of thingssssss can smell bad!......cuz I feel it is double standards for us ladies to be able to ask guys 'What is that smell?' and for guys not to be able to do the same....mami...some girls/guys don't take care of themselves....and I think that in such intimate moment.....you can't pretend to enjoy the moment when you are having a brain stroke and an asthma attack all at the same time all cuz it is sex...cmn mami.......I dunno bout anyone else...buh I am gonna tell you this - Erhm Mr, you need a shower with bleach and your lower body needs to be soaked in bleach for 2 weeks.....hehe...hello mamacita...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha Ernie. You are so funny. Boo went through your blog and said....his words not mine ' I see a lot of you in Ernie. She's like you'. I think that's a huge compliment *dancing Alingo-zonto*

      Delete
  5. I can only permit all this when he is my husband. Sex is over rated these days. Its better to keep urself than say sorry. I've been there, done that and nothing dey there. I've realised that keeping urself is the the best.
    Even my boy friend can not even try it. I will just break up with him cus I am not scared of being unmarried. Condom can't protect 4rm herps.
    If u like don't post my comment.
    #oneloveyall

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha Muriel. Well you speak the truth. Sex is really over rated but you know loads of married couple still make these mistakes. Some married couple don't even have sex anymore because of some of these mistakes. So I hope they get informed through this post *winks*

      Delete
    2. If sex is over rated, then don't fucking have a boyfriend. Sounding like you are the boss of your relationship. I pity the man that wants to marry you. It is girls like you that remain unmarried till age passes them and then they just marry anything that comes. Abeg go and sit down somewhere.
      Moby if you like don't post this one o

      Delete
    3. Lobatan...looool....relax for Muriel na...wat she says is true...as in after sex what's next?...its jst always more sex....but at d same time Muriel, Anon has a point...you can't be too rigid....sometimes its d sex dt saves a relationship...if you r soo uptight ..truth is...you might end up having 2 'manage oooo'....me and my man hd it well...den we decided 2 stop till marriage...Now he knows what d koko is, he is eager 2 have it...thus marriage plans hv been sped up...we don choose date sef...so Muriel...do be too rigid...so you don't remain single too long
      Moby if you like don't post this...LoooooL

      Delete
    4. Omo babe we've all been dere done dat; na so una go dey do holy holy nd forget you need to be informed. Biko moby bring it on relationships and marriages need to be saved....divorce nd cheating rate is so alarming this days intervention is needed. I have one suggestion sha a post for married women and how they can keep their man interested. Ose dear keep the posts coming

      Delete
    5. Sex does not determine if he will marry u or not. Love does.If u like it can u show it,put a ring on it. How can u just meet someone and he hasn't said "I want 2 marry u" u open ur leg like that 4 the man. u haven't even seen any commitment. That means at the end of the day u will have several sex partners. I aint rigid pls 4 ur info but its better 2 do the right thing. Atleast fiance level.
      Besides I wouldn't end up single I will soon get married 4 ur info. I am still in my early 20s. I aint rushing 2 crash. Ask the Lord 4 what u want and he will give it 2 u. U can also ask Him 2 make ur sex life great. With faith as small as a mustard seed it will move mountain. Yes call me holier than thou cus I live 4 Him. Everything I am 2day its all cus of Him. I've called forth so many things. Is it money, my first makeup box (o boy! I never thought I will have it), accomodation etc. How much more a wonderful man.
      Atleast everyone is entitle 2 their personal opinion.
      #oneloveyall

      Delete
    6. Anon 21:33 Gmt, I must admit it u r really funny. Lol!! Very soon I will be married to a wonderful person. I can't get to that agbaya stage.

      Delete
    7. Muriel, I support you on this one. Wait till you get married before you open your leg. The reason a lot of women hurt so much after a breakup is because they let go of their dignity which is sex. I believe a guy that loves you will wait. Thanks Moby for sharing. And what's up with all these 'post my comment o' like you don't know Moby will post even when its stupid.

      Delete
    8. Lmao.....na dis post go kill person.....Moby well done ooo....at Muriel...true that...let us kno wen ure gettn married sha....-'m an event planner and I hv ushers.....lol

      Delete
    9. Mmm my point is simple no one said u shld go and open ur leg; but lets talk about this things sex etc openly. More than 80% of issues in marriages are sex related especially in naija and because we are shy to talk we continue living a clueless life. muriel try not to call pple agabaya rather pray for them bcos my dear you dont know their stories so dont think you are better you shld be happy that you are favoured by God. Selah

      Delete
  6. ROTFL......yEeeeee........Moby you are a case....."Thunder fire that rod"....anyway Tip 1 is soo true...I jst cnt narrate my experience....Tip 2 is soo on point....some guys rush like we gonna change our minds...Tip 3..hmmmn u r right...only wen all is proper...I can't be clean and a guy still says he smells smfin...I'll loose it..so I agree.....Tip 4 hell yeah...keep ur tongue in man....Tip 5 so so true...imagine a guy tapping my boobs....I nearly wan bite am.....dis is one of d bestest blogs...I'm still laughing my ass out...well done Mami....hmmn u mst be a badt girl...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha. Thanks Anon. Ayam a vewi good girl. I'm serious.

      Delete
  7. Very funny but true....the 3rd tip tho...sometimes there no time for stripping...I jst want 2 do it fast and get it over with *covers face*....ee get as ee dey do me sometimes

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmnnn Anon.but there are times you need to take it slow. Sometimes we ladies just want it slow.slow and steady....u dig?

      Delete
  8. Moby iya Ijo..I will tell pastor for you o. I will even give him your blog link now. Hahahahahaha...oya beg me. I know you know who this is. Love u and love your blog more. 1st time commenting because this wan consign me. Hehehe

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ewo... Anon (I think I know you sef), please don't tell pastor o. Abeg. Oya chop kiss *mwaah*

      Delete
  9. Tip 5 is soo true and de most important...not sure I shld say this bt I will:..one time I ws having sex and it was around my time of the month so my boobs were hurting...and the bros jst squeezed it hard!....see as I shouted...I jst pushed him off and he ws wondering wat he did wrong...and even after we resume, he still got carried away and tried 2 press bobbi again...na so I give up....Men need 2 obey us in bed..shikena

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lmaooo...e wan check if d babe has a throat n BTW DAT pic is ewwwww........Nyways jes passing by.......

    ReplyDelete

Your comments are like jollof rice to my stomach... the more you leave a comment, the happier I get. Thanks for stopping by...I love you like kilode *mwwaahhh*