Tuesday, 12 May 2015

WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WOMAN WITH NATURAL HAIR

Hey mi lovelies...
I seriously do not know where this post fall under or whom it is directed at, but I saw this post and I was smiling till the end. Thanks to Naija husband for this post. I saw this on his blog and immediately I copied and pasted it on my blogger dashboard. You all should check his blog out.. You want to hear the truth about husbands, then run over to his blog asap. 
I had to edit it cos it was kinda long and my Mobylizers can like to complain about long posts. So enjoy mi lovies... Kisses.
When you’re married to a woman with natural hair… or a woman who wears her own hair… you have to grow accustomed to certain things.
Let me try to list a few.
1) Watching her Bathroom Turn into a Mad Scientist’s Laboratory 
On any given day, NaijaWife, when not harassing me over my television watching, will disappear for hours. Once I don’t hear her asking me “what are you doing?” I know that means she has locked herself in the bathroom again.
I remember the first day I walked up to her bathroom door, curious to hear what was keeping her so long.  Smoke was coming out of the bottom of the door, and I think I heard some screams.
Moving closer, I could hear voices inside the bathroom (which I later realized were the faint sounds of a youtube video) giving her the following instructions:
·         Add 1/2 cup of  castor oil
·         Add 1 tsp of lavender oil
·         Add 10 drops of peppermint oil
I thought she was making a secret batch of candy until I heard the next few steps
·         Add 10 bat’s eyes
·         Add 1 goat’s head
·         Add the white feathers of a dove
WHAT was she making?! Herbal medicine? A witch’s potion?
Nope.
I may be exaggerating about the ingredients, but it turned out she was making yet another “team natural” concoction.  Week after week I noticed she’d go through the same process until one day she came running out of the bathroom screaming:
“AT LAST! AT LAST! I”VE DONE IT! THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE! BUT I PROVED THEM WRONG! THEY WERE FOOLS TO DOUBT ME! I FINALLY MASTERED THE “SHEA BUTTER COCONUT MILK CHERRY BLOSSOM TREATMENT!” HAHAHAHA!
AT LAST! MY GREATEST CREATION IS COMPLETE! SCALP OIL!
Then she stuck her hair in my face, "LOOK! LOOK! JUST LOOK AT THAT CURL DEFINITION!"
I don’t know what curl definition is. But I have learned the hard way to just smile, pat her on the back…and not ask her why her hair is smelling like amino acids.
She’s happy. That’s all that matters.
2) Watching my Wife Contort Herself into Strange Positions
No, not sexually. Hair-ally.
One day NaijaWife was shouting my name from the bedroom. Expecting that she was in trouble I ran quickly only to find her hanging upside down off of the bed.
Me: “Did you slide off?!”
NaijaWife: “NO. I’m doing the inversion method.”
Me: “The what?”
NaijaWife: “It allows the blood to rush to my head, stimulating hair growth. I need you to time me for 3 minutes. Then help me lift my head back up slowly.”
Me: “I have a better idea.”
NaijaWife: “Oh really? What?”
Me: “Do pushups for 3 minutes instead. That will make your hair grow faster.”
NaijaWife: “REALLY?!”  *as she scrambled to get back up*
Me: “No.”
3) Saturday Nights Are Not Date Nights
They are for her hair. Saturdays belong to NaijaWife’s hair.
Me: “Let’s go out today.”
NaijaWife: “Nope. I’m washing my hair.”
Me: “OK but it’s only 12 noon now. Will you be done in an hour?”
NaijaWife:
Yeah that’s not going to happen
Me: “Um…will you be done in 2 hours?”
NaijaWife: “I’ll be done tomorrow morning.”
4) Spur of the Moment Purchases
It’s a good thing she has her own budget for random expenditures…because we would probably fight if her product addiction came out of the household budget.
Me: “You bought something today. I just know it.”
NaijaWife: “Maybe…
Me: “What did you buy?”
NaijaWife: “Conditioner.”
Me: “Didn’t you buy some last week?!”
NaijaWife: “But this one had really high reviews on naturallycurly.com ! They said it would make my hair shine. All I need to do is sit with it in my hair for 6 hours and it will permanently change my life!”
Me: “Did they also warn you it would permanently change your pockets?”
5) Get Used To The Secret Group Meetings
Me: “What you up to today?”
NaijaWife: “I have a meeting.”
Me: “On Saturday?
NaijaWife: “Yes…with some girls.”
Me: “What kind of meeting?”
NaijaWife: “Em. Hair meeting…
Me: “You mean the hair salon?”
NaijaWife: “No…natural hair women’s meeting.”
Me: “I see…when will they hold one for the husbands of women with natural hair?”
“Next on the agenda, deep conditioners vs moisturizing creams for combating low porosity”
Shout out to Naijawife for helping me with the terminology on this post, and as always, for being the gracious recipient of my teasing.  As a man I’m not the most knowledgeable person about the struggles women have with their hair, but I am learning.  One thing I do know darling, is that your hair is almost as beautiful as you are.
Just don’t shave it off.
 MOBYSPEAKS:
*turns to Leboo* *British accent activated* If you're gonna marry me, please save this post cos you are in for it.
To all my Mobylizers, natural and not natural, I hope you had fun reading through. I did. 

A friend of mine was planning on going natural...so we went for a natural meet up together and immediately after the event, she said and I quote "wahala yin ti poju jo (our wahala is too much). I am not going natural again if everything that was mentioned today I have to do". There was nothing I would have said at that point that would make her cut her hair. The only thing I tell people planning on going natural is you don't have to use everything they say you have to use. Understand your hair and do what works for you. That's easy to do after all.

Have a wonderful day my dearies.

Cheers....

22 comments :

  1. First to comment.how did this happen?

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  2. Lmao*, th!s post !s very funny, bhur, seriously, it's true to an extent, #teamnaturalhair# get wahala...Y'all have a blessed week!

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  3. Okay this was hilarious! I am so visiting that blog...I dunno what the craze for natural hair is bout...buh I got a really longgggg hair......and I do not intend to cut it for any bloodclat or whatever.....

    So how are you mami! still off and on I see...

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    Replies
    1. I'm with you on dis one mami, I really don't understand wat d crase Is all about.

      Pamscrib.blogspot.com

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  4. NH has always been a funny person. I used to follow his blog back then. NW too has wahala sha.

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  5. Lailai, me sef can't go natural, especially me wey no like wahala, castor oil today, conditioner tommorrow yet the hair go still strong like shit
    Jibbyks.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Natural hair is no longer 'strong'. So many detanglers and leave in moisturisers out there. The softness of my hair amazes even moi.

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  6. Lmao, I would run out of the house for a wife like this, kilode? Dandan ni nashural hair ni???

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  7. I love Naija Husband - his sense of humour is amazing......................

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  8. Chai this natural hair trend no be moi moi, lucky to those deeper life sisters.
    I wanted to try natural hair out, Omo, I no fit. I no get that patient. Artificial hair sef I never get its time.
    This post is hilarious, got me laffing

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    Replies
    1. @bolatito, just amazing u babe, since you are less concern about natural and artificial, what do you now goes for, barbing?

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  9. Can't stop laughing so hilarious #team naturalastas u don't have to use everything they says research wat works 4u #do u method, wat a luvly interesting up.

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  10. Just stumbled on ur blog and it's amazing. I love.

    Pamscrib.blogspot.com

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  11. Baby, I'm not even married to you yet, and I'm already in with it....to cook soup sometimes, I have to check d bathroom for ingredients becos, someone would be putting tatashe, rodo, maggi, raw egg, koun, palmoil, honey, indomie spice and more in her hair...lol

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  12. Thats how i entered my bathroom this morning and saw shampoo.......and i decided to use it....................NOW I'm smelling like SUYA!...........becos my lover and better me, put onions inside the shampoo.....#Kilode!!!..........#Naturalhairboo

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    Replies
    1. Wait she actually use onions to wash her hair?? This natural hair thing is scaring me...
      Going to stalk this guy's blog now, he's good.
      Divadiari.blogspot.com

      Delete
  13. Very funny post.buh seriously the whala of keeping natural hair is too much.not my tin though #oluwabibs

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  15. That's too good. i really like it and share with friends.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments are like jollof rice to my stomach... the more you leave a comment, the happier I get. Thanks for stopping by...I love you like kilode *mwwaahhh*